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Heaven or Hell, Part 1 and 2

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  • Heaven or Hell, Part 1 and 2

    He had been a successful professional sportsbettor. Unfortunately, a tragic accident had led to an untimely death, and now it was time to decide whether he would go to Heaven or to Hell.

    And so, a meeting was convened. Present along with the deceased sportsbettor was a representative from Heaven and one from Hell. It was understood that the sportsbettor’s acceptable comportment during his lifetime had entitled him to freedom of choice as to his eternal destiny. Each representative would answer his questions about their respective Domains, thus enabling him to make an informed decision about his afterlife.

    First to engage the sportsbettor was the Heaven representative. Their conversation was as follows:

    Sportsbettor: I like rock n’ roll. What kind of music can I enjoy in Heaven?

    Heaven Representative: What we offer is harp music, although we may be able to dig up some Pat Boone cassettes for you.

    Sportsbettor: I really like beer. What do you serve up there?

    Heaven Representative: Root beer, of course. I believe we have a contract with A&W.

    Sportsbettor: I love hot babes. Will I find one in Heaven?

    Heaven Representative: Without a doubt. We have a surplus of beanie babies, which are the hottest thing going now. And I personally guarantee that you will get one.

    Sportsbettor: My biggest thrill in life was gambling . What does Heaven offer a gambler?

    Heaven Representative: Nothing yet. But the Lord has started a petition to introduce Saturday night bingo games. I have a copy of the petition here that you are welcome to sign.

    Satisfied that his questions pertaining to Heaven had been answered, the sportsbettor next engaged the representative from Hell:

    Sportsbettor: Let me cut to the chase. I was a sportsbettor, and that’s what I love doing. What can you offer me?

    Hell Representative: I can place you in Reno, Nevada. A rare opening has just become available. This is your lucky day.

    Sportsbettor: Wow! I know there must be some negatives since, after all, it is Hell. But, I need action, and sure as Hell I can get it in Reno. Let’s do the deal. Where do I sign?

    And so, the sportsbettor began his “life” after life in Reno, Nevada, the biggest little city in the world.

    Part 2

    The sportsbettor awoke. He immediately noticed that he was lying in a bed in a room he had never seen before. He attempted to rise from the bed, but his body would not move. A cold fear gripped him. He was paralyzed!

    Suddenly, the representative from Hell materialized in front of the
    sportsbettor, and addressed him.

    Representative from Hell: What you have, my man, is simple quadriplegia. Plan on being bed-ridden for Eternity.

    Sportsbettor: I don’t remember anything about paralysis in the contract that I signed, and I read the fine print with a magnifying glass.

    Representative from Hell: Yes, but you didn’t read the super, super-fine print. To read, or even see, that, you’d have needed an electron microscope. And, I guess I forgot to mention that minor, little detail to you. Ha, ha, ha….

    But don’t despair, we have an attendant—(who suddenly materializes in front of them)--who will take care of your personal needs. Olaf here will be your servant.

    Sportsbettor: Being paralyzed is hellish. But now that I’m in Reno, at least I can legally wager on sports, which is my true passion in life. I can send Olaf down to the Reno sportsbooks to bet for me…

    A knock on the door interrupts the conversation, and Steve DeSharme, head of the Nevada Gaming Control Board, enters the room. Mr. DeSharme addresses the sportsbettor.

    Steve DeSharme: I’m sorry to inform you that Olaf cannot place bets for you. That is called “messenger betting,” and is strictly against the law, with no exceptions allowed. If you don’t think we’re serious about the law, go talk to John Ascuaga’s Nugget. We reamed them a new ******* for allowing messenger betting.

    Sportsbettor: I guess I’ll just have to place bets over the Internet...

    Steve De Sharme: We will be monitoring you for that dastardly activity, too. That is also against the law in Nevada. Try offshore betting here and we’ll show you how hellish Reno can be.

    Sportsbettor: I guess that leaves me with phone accounts…

    Steve DeSharme: Not a chance. The Las Vegas sportsbooks have phone identification equipment that doesn’t recognize calls from Reno phones. Your calls would not be accepted.

    Sportsbettor: How about a cellular phone?

    Steve DeSharme: Nope. It’s against the law to call phone accounts from a cellular phone. And we’ll be monitoring you. Listen, buddy, we’ve got your M.O. We know you were a big-time bettor before your death. We’re not in business to lose money. Don’t think for a moment that we’re going to let you make money from our sportsbooks.

    Sportsbettor: God almighty! Paralyzed for Eternity and no sportsbetting. This is Hell!

    Steve DeSharme: Cheer up, buddy, We plan on bringing you some devil’s food cake every week. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha…

  • #2
    He He, now that was funny. As always Reno, your prose is quite entertaining.

    Going with the theme of the thread (in a slightly off topic way), I'd like to add my own version of the nature of hell, something I just received a couple of weeks ago. Got quite the chuckle from this former physical chemistry student.

    The nature of Hell

    The following is reported as an actual question appearing on a University of
    Washington chemistry exam: "Is hell exothermic (releasing heat) or
    endothermic (absorbing
    heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

    Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's law, which
    holds that the pressure of a given mass of gas is inversely proportional to its volume at a constant temperature. One student, however, wrote the following:

    First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I
    think it is safe to assume that once a soul is in Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

    As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
    religions that exist in the world today.

    Some religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to
    more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to

    With birth and death rates as they are, we can therefore expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

    Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume of Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the
    volume of Hell must expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.

    1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

    2) Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

    So which is it?

    If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my freshman year "that it will be a cold night in Hell before I will sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I have not yet succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and thus, I am sure that Hell is exothermic.

    The student got the only A.


    • #3
      Thanks guys - those are GREAT!


      • #4
        If one accepts what the Jehovah's Witnesses believe--that come Judgement Day only 144,000 people are going to be saved and go to Heaven--then 99+% of us can plan on going to Hell.

        Therefore, since virtually everyone is going to be going to Hell, it will undoubtedly be as crowded as, well, Hell. So, Hell will be hot and crowded.

        It would be a tough adjustment going from the temperate climate and uncrowded environs of Reno directly to Hell. Thus,I am considering moving to Vegas. Vegas could be considered kind of a minor-league Hell, a transitional realm between normal worldly existence and the eternal, packed Inferno below.

        Consider how Hell-like Vegas is: It is very hot, with summertime temperatures reaching 120%; it is getting very, very crowded, as more and more people are moving there to train for the inevitable, eternal Big Show below. Try driving around the town at morning or evening rush hours. If double and triple traffic light cycles are your thing, you'll love driving in that town. Sportsbetting, as repeatedly chronicled in this forum, has really gone to hell in the town. Even the Escort services have become a joke. This is because the police--who have always been a joke--have nothing better to do with their time and the taxpayer's money than to pose as tourist-customers and then bust the girls for hooking. To protect themselves, most girls now only dance.

        Las Vegas is not Disneyland. But it is certainly a perfect training ground for those who are planning on going to Hell.